8.29.06 - Worldwide Interconnectivity

How times have changed. At my first Acuna (Ah-coon-yah) visit, it would have been tough to find anyone in this little Mexican town using the internet. This time, half the younger people know about "Ernesto" visiting Florida. Now, everyone under the age of 30 is interconnected. They're smarter, because information truly is...power. The traffic in this town, much smaller than Nogales, over the Arizona border, was very light, no waiting at the crossback, will swell w/this weekend's-Labor Day crowd. Local tourist bars, like "Pancho's" were all but empty, although some natives were partying w/loud music inside Mexican joints. Grabbed a really cool Pancho's tee-shirt, with giant letters..."D.E.A." ("Drink Every Afternoon"). As you might guess, that wonderful agency's not too popular in the old country.

MEXICAN INFLATION:

Everything is more expensive, thanks to the price of energy. Four years ago, a taxi was $8. Two years ago, it was $10. Now it's $12, and one guy wanted $20. How do I know?

TAXI DRIVERS WON'T LEAVE YA THE HELL ALONE!

Sadly, the cost of a bottle of 100 Anos~ Tequila has risen from $4.90 to $6.90, the top shelf from $14 to $19, and the state of Texas has to tack on their $1.25 to each bottle you bring back across. Still, a bargain. Beautiful, woven Mexican blankets in mind-blowing, bright Aztec colors are still only $12 for the largest size.

FAST FOOD MAKES YA FAT??

Four + weeks on the road. I've been everywhere man, I'VE BEEN EVERYWHERE....& Wherever, ate mainly FAST FOOD. Except for my fav, 2 over easy eggs, hash browns, & toast or bisquit, it's been burgers, tacos, and fried stuff like catfish, chicken, country-fried steak, french fries, onion rings, and more fries. SPARE TIRE TALLY?--LOST TEN POUNDS. So much for that stupid McDonald's weight-gain movie. If you're gonna eat this fat crap, you got to move around and work it off, or stick with
100% bran, if ya want ta' SIT ON YER ASS ALL DAY!

Well sports fans, if we don't make it back to the ULTRA-PLUSH, TOTAL MAXIMUM-SECURITY ABM COMPOUND and board up the Ernesto windows, NOBODY'S GONNA DO IT FOR US, (because they're too busy takin' care of their own stuff). Gotta blow this little Del Rio border 'burg, and drag my sorry ass (and 5-lb beard) back to the land of LYNYRD SKYNYRD. (Just in time to produce the October run for "AMERICAN BIKER MINUTE".) After this great (and wet) August, don't think that's gonna be a problem. Check back in from time to time, as we update the ABM BLOG, and look for pic's and full trip stuff soon at www.americanbikerminute.com.

GET OFFA DA COUCH:

AMERICA HAS THE BEST ROADS. THERE SIMPLY IS NO BETTER PLACE ON EARTH TO RIDE YOUR BIKE. AMERICA IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY IN THE WORLD. DISCOVER AMERICA. DON'T SIT ON YOUR ASS AND GET OLD. SIT YOUR ASS ON A BIKE AND GET YOUNG. TAKE RISKS--LIVE!

8.28.06 - Hurricane Warning!

HURRICANE WARNING: ABM HEADS HOME TO "BOARD UP THE WINDOWS"!

Damm! Ernesto couldn't wait one more week for ABM to savor this last seven days of Nirvana...Leaving 'Vista a week early sucks... Left Arizona/Mexico border yesterday morning. The ride out of Az was green, and even greener in New Mexico. They've had so much monsoon rain this year, the countryside looks more like the southeast than the southwest. A New Mexico I-10 bridge washed out, forcing traffic on to two lanes. 50 miles farther east was a total freak out:

THE DESERT WAS AWASH IN SEVERAL FEET OF WATER---With the blowing wind, waves were approaching a ONE FOOT CHOP! Almost reminded me of the prime redfish flats surrounding Cape Kennedy...Absolutely surreal, that's all I can say, except for...

BUG MICROBURSTS!

Microburst: "An intense shower, usually less than six miles in diameter"

ABM Bug Microburst: "A ball of bugs, packed into an area less than sixty feet in diameter." (Imagine what it's like plowing into a juicy pile of flying meat at 90 mph, and you got it).

Thanks, mother nature. There was plenty of rain on down in Texas to wash 'em off, gross crap.

Route 90 west, WEST TEXAS...the WORLD'S DARKEST, LONLIEST HIGHWAY.

Dark: No lights, anywhere. 300 miles of nothing. 75 to 100 miles between anything which uses electricity. People who say nobody wants to build another oil refinery in "their back yard" could look around here. So sparsely populated, it scares the hell out of ya. DARK. GOD IT'S DARK OUT HERE. At dusk, it's darker than it is at midnight in Florida. Once I stopped to take a leak roadside. No engine running, no light, just the tinkle of Uncle Jeff taking a pee. AT ONCE, I sensed....I WAS NOT ALONE. Cut it short and blasted back down the highway...damm scary...and..D-A-R-K.
This is not only wild animal country, it's WILD PEOPLE COUNTRY, and passing through without the security of a firearm is...disarming.

10pm reach Del Rio, (by the river), Texas. Been here before. Town is growin faster than your kids. Last time, a lot of road construction, done now. Old Del Rio is near the Mex/Tex border. New Del Rio is based on Rt 90. They got a new Super Wally-World, and plenty of new businesses...town is exploding, as are most of the international border towns along Mexico. Craving breakfast, "Skillets", an allnight
diner whipped up a couple of realy tasty easy-over eggs...so fresh, you could taste the cracked corn in them.

GOIN' SHOPPIN' FOR TEQUILA AND BLANKETS....(B&B)-(BLANKETS 'N' BOOZE),

8.26.06 - Another Dry County?

Shot, stabbed, kidnapped, killed. Words people use to describe what (COULD HAPPEN!)
during ABM's Motorcycle Mexican forays. (Still beats staying at home and watching television any day).

So far, the worst that has happened was some wise-ass sticking a little hunk of bubblegum onto my back pack, speaking of which....

BACKPACKS:

Are the hottest thing for sale in bordertown, Nogales. Maybe it's the "Pah-kee-toes" (little ones) going back to school. Every other storefront is selling the hell outta them. The tightly-packed together storefronts push curios, clothes, eats, & cuban cigars...ghetto-blasters blare Mex Polkas, Spansh Rap, nothing in English. Some are micro versions of say, a GAP store, with curvy young sales Senoritas, bare midriff, jeans so tight, you see the outline of EVERYTHING... "Cali-en-tay" (HOT!) Baby..

Grabbed some Mexican insurance:

1). You gotta re-insure your American vehicle for travel into Old Mexico.
2). Americans WILL NOT provide this service, gotta be a Mexican company.
3). A MC costs $12-$18/day, depending on liablity, collision, or both. Longer you stay in Sonora, lower per day cost.


Nogales, Mexico. Rough border town. Humans, drugs, are regularly routed north thru this international port of entry. 4 years ago, I let the border patrol talk me out of crossing over on another black bike. Today I said..."F" it, and took the chopper. At the crossover back into the states, the customs agents spent their time looking
OVER the bike instead of looking for stuff IN IT. Expect an hour wait at the border when crossing back north. To get in, just drive across, no problem. The roads through this city are a minor nightmare. Rough,sometimes cobblestones, huge holes, the main drag is three lanes on each side--NO PAINTED LINES TO KEEP TRAFFIC SEPARATED--Tough to know what lane you're in..(If they painted lines, nobody would pay attention to them anyway!) There are almost no traffic lights. Labor is cheap here, they just put a couple cops at a few intersections..otherwise, it's every man for himself-the bigger, more powerful, louder the vehicle, the more right of way. Just like Vietnam. The loud-ass, big and powerful ABM chopper got all the room it needed. Kids (and adults) were absolutely drop-jawed, and freaking out on the bike, & the farther south we blasted, the freakier, and more intense the stares. Mexico is a land of 125cc hondas. We're riding an 1800 cc bike with open pipes, so yeah, they do stare, (and SMILE).

Good Gas: Any PEMEX (petro-mexico) station will sell decent pump gas 87 or 91 octane at a price below what we pay. The government controls the price. The quality is good. Trying to figure out what you owe is impossible without help.

MEXICAN STOPLIGHT: A SIX-INCH TALL SPEED BUMP WITH 80 MPH SPEED LIMIT JUST BEFORE AND JUST PAST. I hit one of these bastards 70 miles south of the border--locked brakes, and slid over it doing about 30, scraped paint off the bottom of my frame. Message: get to a town, slow down, and since you must slow, expect an encounter with a small army of kids & adults running out with arms full of nuts, dried fruit, coconuts, trinkets, jewlery, and copper pots, & LARGE GREEN PARROTS IN CAGES......
(but no beer), at each speed bump you encounter.

MEXICO 15--ABM rode south to the Santa Ana/Magdelena region, 120+ miles into the heart of Sonora. Usually a desert, the heavy summer Monsoon rain has turned this brown-dry landscape into a rainforest. Grass along the divided four-lane, and in the median was at least five feet high. You'd never see a Havalina or Deer until it was too damm late, but hey, that's Mexico, dude. You learn to live with less service,
a little extra danger.

WHAT?? ANOTHER DRY TOWN?

Advised by the lady who sold me insurance, ABM arrives in "Magdelena", Mexico. With a name like that, shoulda known...but the 100 degree heat, & the buzz of the ride slowed my senses...Didn't dress for a religious ceremony...she said it was a big TOURIST DESTINATION...

YEAH, A DESTINATION FOR MEXICAN TOURISTS! In fact, the quaint little town is kind of a religious retreat..Several dozen people were rubbing and touching a ceramic statue of their patron saint...and here I am wearing a long-sleeve STURGIS SHIRT with some titty-babe on the back. Small wonder nobody would smile...I'd like to kick that insurance lady's ass. (It's a wonder they didn't shoot, stab, kidnap, or kill me??),
but hey, that's Mexico, dude...without the Cervezas, at least in Magdelena.

8.25.06 - The Scenic Route Has Been Washed Out...

The locals call it.."Flag"..Flagstaff. 8am departure just in time--Senic route 89a-south "washed out" for the second time in a week, just before, and right after my 3,000 ft downhill journey through the canyon. Veritcal walls of rock, COVERED W/NETTING, to kept stuff from plumeting onto the highway (or on to a biker's head). 27 miles to tourist-oriented Sedona, dodged some road rocks, no water in the ravine, which TOTALLY CHANGED--Sedona had been WIPED OUT by heavy rains. Main drag thru town was packed with barricades, sand piled up on the blacktop, carving GIANT DITCHES
IN MID-STREET where there used to be a highway. Public crews were working like hell to repair the damage--signs offered immediate employment to able-bodied people to help w/t cleanup. Highway shoulders for miles before and after the town were barricaded with signs warning that to pull over would cost you $125.00. Portions of 89a had no shoulder at all. Good thing I rode through there early--yesterday afternoon, THEY GOT HIT AGAIN, and the town washed out for the second time in a week.
The screaming downhill water damage was incredible..saw infrastructure...pipes, drains, sewers, hanging in mid air under what used to be pavement. Storefront property torn to hell. Sand piled up everwhere...Deja Vu...they got it all over again yesterday-all the done repair work had to be re-started. Nice to live in a canyon, like Oak Creek until...a hard rain begins to fall.

Mariachi Weekend?

Sierra Vista, Az, known to the locals simply as..."Vista", is the new temproary ABM home on the road. Back in '03, encountered "MUD RAIN"--sky turned BLACK, and down it came...raining MUD. have figured out how this happens: Vortex (dust devil) sucks sand up into the clouds. Cloud mass must rise to pass over higher elevation, sheds mixture of rain and dirt, & Baby, the "MUD RAIN", must fall.

ABM is now within 100 miles of at least three boder crossings into MEXICO. (happy hour, 1cent tequilas?)

Border Agent Stupid Questions:

Before leaving Flag', I'm sitting in the morning sunshine, reading the local paper, at the local bike shop, when a BORDER PATROL AGENT pulls up in his OFFICIAL TRUCK, GUN ON HIS HIP, FULLY-UNIFORMED, under the guise of shopping for a used bike, and begins asking me all of these probing questions, (in a friendly,non-pressure way)...

*Do I know any "BANDITOS"? (local MC club with large southwest presence)-Government refers to them as a "gang".
*Have I met "THREE-FINGER PETE" (another Bandito).
*Where am I from, what am I doing here..etc etc..it's got to be my freaky, weird beard.

YOU'RE NOT HERE TO BUY A USED BIKE--do I really look that stupid?

ABM HAS BEEN THROUGH THIS EXACT SAME INTERROGATION PROCESS IN FLAG, DEL RIO, INTERNATIONAL(frostbite) FALLS, MN. We're throwing a lot of money at this Homeland Security effort, how much is being well spent? BIKERS HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH 9-11. We are AMERICANS. Some of us like to wear beards, but that DOES NOT MAKE US SAUDIS. Please leave us the hell alone.


ABM's itching to take a LONG ride into Mexico--it's gotta be somewhere we ain't been.

8.23.06 - Did someone say monsoon?

Know Your MONSOONS! What people don't know about the desert...IT RAINS HERE, TOO!

Downpour: A large area of warm air, sheds moisture over a LARGE AREA. (you won't dry out for a long time)---read: New Mexico, summer of 2006.

Microburst: Less than six square miles in diameter. Warm monsoon air from the south rides up the mountains and must drop it's moisture on unprotected American Bikers. Arizona-type summer, 2006.

The difference? Local flooding, downed power lines, some washovers in Arizona...while NM has been under a daily flood watch for almost a month. There wasn't much two-wheeled company in NM.

THE BIG HOLE:

Meteor Crater National Park: About 30 miles east of Flagstaff, 6 miles south of I-40. The depth of this impact and the flatness of the surrounding area attest to this mind-blowing devastating impact. It is said that the shock wave reached around the world. At 26,000 miles per hour, or 11 miles per second, the huge iron-nickel meteorite,about 150 feet across, and WEIGHING SEVERAL HUNDRED-THOUSAND TONS, struck with a force equal to or greater than, 20 MILLION TONS OF TNT, carved, in less than a few seconds, a crater 700 feet deep, and damm near a mile across. Asked to ride the chopper down into the pit, but was denied access. 175 million tons of limestone & sandstone were thrown out and formed a continuous blanket of debris...so intense, that MICROSCOPIC-SIZED DIAMONDS WERE IMMEDIATLY CREATED. Pretty intense day for some local inhabitants of the time.

Riding south toward the Mex border tomorrow..

8.22.06 - Greetings From Flagstaff...

Flagstaff, Az...Green, tall trees, gave it a "Pine-Sol" early morning scent on the ride up to Grand Canyon. In less than 75 miles, you see forest, pasture, rock, scrub, 10-mile wide canyons, and desert. Pocket ranches, McMansions, Indian dwellings. Vast Reservations, along with State and National Parks, means this landscape isn't pock-marked with stupid buildings in places where there should be nature. Flagstaff is the total opposite of PHX. Many 'staffers are former "valley" people who tired of the rat race, and moved north. The local Navajo population is very friendly, eagerly asking what it's like to live in Florida. (you'd better like fish, shrimp, and BBQ).

FLAGSTAFF:
* More motels/hotels per capita than anywhere but Daytona.
* Cool 70's/80's when nearby Phoenix has 105-112.
* More natural attractions than you could fully explore in a year.
* Nice People. If you have a bad person experience here, it's probably w/a tourist.

If for some reason, you need the big city, it's just a coast downhill..but WHY?

PHOENIX:
* More smog, traffic problems than anywhere but L.A.
* Ultra-crowded, no lawns allowed, hyper-expensive housing that's not selling anymore.**
* Random Freeway shootings by sniper NUT-JOBS who should be out in the desert plinking soda cans.
**-Home sellers have taken to BURYING STATUES OF ST. JOSEPH IN THEIR YARDS in an attempt to lure buyers!

--BEWARE BIKERS!--(either way, you're GONNA GET SHOT!)

AUTOMATIC TRAFFIC-CAM on the "101 LOOP", PHOTOS YOUR PLATE AND SENDS YA A TICKET FOR FIVE OVER! (considering tripping it off, just to see if it's capable of shooting a vertical mount florida mc plate), BAD IDEA, 'CAUSE..

#1)- IT'S RAINING LIKE HELL DOWN THERE---and---
#2)- HAD ENOUGH BEING SHOT AT IN 'NAM.

Still, Scottsdale has one hell of a great biker scene, too bad you have to hit the POWERBALL jackpot before you could buy a decent house in that 'hood, and w/t "traffic cam", the treasured ABM mc operator's license would accumulate more points than a 200 lb buck.

8.19.06 - Just Like Coming Home

ABM HAD THE ONLY CHOPPER AT THE FIRST DAY OF CRIPPLE CREEK VET'S RALLY '06:

Some won't ride wet, but this summer has broken my cherry. Black bike is so dirty, it gets extra looks...unbelievable, who woulda thought?

THE RUN:

A vet told me today to expect 20,000 to 40,000 American Biker Veterans, riding toghether, in one continuous column, to C.C. tomorrow morning, rain or shine, ABM will be there to see it all.

Man, what a great Friday! The 8am ride up Colorado rt 24 thru my old neighborhood of Manitou Springs, ("Man-it-two"), flashed me back-the old run-down apartment building was refurbished and turned into a $300/night fancy joint with an elevator! Wonder what $2000 wk guests would think if they knew we rented it by the month for $35 each?

UP ON CRIPPLE CREEK...SHE SENDS ME....

Headed west, up past no-snow Pike's Peak, all the while, going up up up, getting colder. Slower trucks, underskilled drivers (it's good to know your limits),
fade to the right..weaker cages overheat, rattle, slow down..no flat stretches, its ALL UP. Rt 67 winds through the last 20 miles of mountain to finally get you to the little alpine valley goldstrike town of Cripple Creek, now prosperous, thanks to legal gambling, (more on that later), used to be a hippy community of less than 100 people, and a half-assed gold & silver mine. The fancy gambling joints were apartments, or hippy blanket-knitting-basket-weaving farts 'n' crafts stuff.
There were some high-country Colorado girls--but-you had to risk your life on a SINGLE LANE GRAVEL ROAD WITH NO GUARDRAILS TO GET THERE. On corners, blow your horn and listen if anyone blows back....insane, but we still made it up there on weekends. This is the REAL HIGH COUNTRY. Up around 9,000 feet, just walking down the street can make you high, and the freshest air you ever sucked into a lung makes you want a couple eggs, easy over, hash-browns, base-ball-sized bisquit, and couple cups of black coffee, which we had, for the gross sum of 49 cents, (plus tax) That's right, sports fans, total tab for two: something like $1.07! Left a nice tip. Bronco Billy's.

BUT WAIT!!!....THERE'S MORE..

At the joint across the street, you DON'T PAY FOR DRINKS SO LONG AS YOU ARE GAMBLING...Figure...a $3 Corona? How about 6 Coronas...18 bucks..park your ass in front of a quarter-suckin-one-armed bandit, and play ten bucks. Even if you don't win anything, theoretically, you're still EIGHT BUCKS AHEAD! Am going back tomorrow, (right after that 49 cent breakfast). How in hell the ABM interviews ever get done, is beyond me.

THE BEST PART:

The Dogs of War. Sons of ordinary, everyday middle class American familes, called upon to do the unthinkable, my BROTHERS IN ARMS. Hear their voices... VETERAN'S DAY WEEK, this fall, on American Biker Minute.

8.18.06 - The Bad Stuff

BIKER TRASH GETS GETS ROOM WITH STAINED CARPET...
Am I nuts to expect... a THREE-STAR HOTEL TO PROVIDE...Free wi-fi internet service?--no..$10/day...A bedspread that doesn't look like someone did a rump rodeo on it? A carpet with more stains than Monica's dress? Enough bitchin', but God...at Daytona Bike Week, ABM got a 3 star, & they comp'd us everything but the drinks in the frig, + secure bike parking--To be fair, the mountain view is incredible, and the towels are thick as a brick. Paid $55/night, door sign says it goes for $240.


CRASHING SUCKS:
Halfway between Colorado's Montrose, and the town of Salida (sal-lie-dah), pulled off into a Shell station, & about 15 bikers, take off ahead of us, in 2 by 2 formation. They're riding side by side, not staggered, as the column of two's blasts off...Half hour later, we catch up to them---A Harley is lying flat, just off the blacktop,and a fifty-ish dude sitting, is propped up against a signpost, his bro's giving him a sip of water...no cuts, blood, but shook up, and not ready to ride on...Man, you feel so sorry for a bro when something bad like this happens. Falling rock from the canyon wall, a cage crossed the center line, or they were riding side-by-side, shooting the shit, and either ran into each other,or missed the curve. Either way, he was lucky to have crashed in the grass and not rocks. I stopped long enough to be sure they
were cell-phone equipped, and rode on.

GOOD STUFF:

20 miles past the crash debacle, the bike is running good for 9,000 feet, rolling along the Arkansas river. Spot two dudes running a fat blue hose into the river, pumping out bottom sand up the embankment, into a 3 foot wide stainless steel tub with legs...Prospectors!! Not even a quarter-mile downstream, a hippy-looking lady has a couple white donut buckets, and she is panning for gold. The hotspot seems to be just downstream from a gypsum mining operation. NO GPS NUMBERS...but... it's Located just past the little town of Ricon, at mile marker 232, route 50. ABM gets half of whatever you find?? (my little waif kids need milk, cookies & new shoes for school..)

HOW COLD WAS IT?
69 degrees at the Motel in Montrose, 8am. Between Montrose and Gunnison, the canyon temps were hitting the mid forties. Cold for a Florida boy. Froze balls off...(still not sure where they are)...crossed over beautiful Blue Mesa Resevoir,
at least 15 miles long, a no-wake lake, with enthusiasts slow-trolling for rainbows...on up at the headwater area, 5 or 6 people were fishing from the bank. This is the best time of year to get 'em 'cause the water's so low, trout are bunched up in the deep holes--find one, ya found 'em all.

CAN~YON CITY:
Half-hour downhill, low-gear ride. On STEEP GRADES, I SMELL BURNING BRAKE PADS from downhill cages and trucks. (stinks like A Jersey oil refinery...) Only 45 Miles from Colorado Springs, Canon City (pronounced "CAN-YAHN") had "Big Daddy's Diner", a 50's style dinette, w/stools & booths. In the south, y'all, a real "Chicken-Fried Steak", usually sirloin, is breaded and deep fried & this one came with a ton of mashed potatoes, half cup of white pepper gravy, peas & carrots, a yeast roll, butter, and a superlarge iced tea. TAB: $6.59--Left a great tip.

FINALLY: A JANE FONDA REVOLUTION!
25,000 of my foreign war military veteran bro's will begin to converge, in a former ghost-town called Cripple Creek. The Army kept me here for 9 agonizing months after returning from 'nam...As an NCO, almost got busted when JANE FONDA came to protest at Fort Carson's Gate #2....M.P.'s were searching the trunk of every car for weapons,
and I had more pistolas on me than PANCHO VILLA! I LOVE GUNS, but unlike TED NUGENT, I THINK SQUIRRELS TASTE LIKE RATS WITH TAILS--believe me, I know..my parents made me EAT DAMMED STEW MADE WITH 'EM! (ABM bears no prejudice against anyone who likes to munch on critters, but WE prefer steaks, fish, lobsters, shrimp..ya know?)
Anyway...Army Brass actually thought there was going to be a JANE FONDA ARMED REVOLUTION at Gate #2! How do I know? THE FOOLS GAVE ME A TOP SECRET CLEARANCE! (can you believe it...Jeff Ryan was in charge of every piece of cryptographic equipment on the base!!)... HA! WHAT A BUNCH OF F'IN IDIOTS!

8.17.06 - Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes...

Crossing into Colorado, endured waiting on construction, rt 491 forever. Trucker says..."Any longer, they'll have to show a movie." (3 months to fix the road before winter). S-l-o-w-l-y snaking our way through the hills on 141, map shows towns, but on arrival, 6 people, 2 horses, & maybe an animal shed. Near "Slick Rock", a MOUNTAIN LION crossed, balls to the wall...bike backfired, the cat probably took it for a gunshot. Every 20-30 miles-- scenery change. Desert Utah..Agrarian Colorado pastures, crops, and GREEN...next 20 miles--10,000 foot mountain..boulders--other side..a canyon--little trout stream, and...up again, WAY UP...past Telluride's Mount Wilson, 14,246 feet above sea level, and yes, that is SNOW, in August. At "Norwood", on 145, inquired why a native was sunburned to the max-- did he fell asleep in a hammock?..."No, the RAINBOW TROUT ARE HITTING ANYTHING WE THROW AT THEM, UP AT LAKE MINNA-MAH-NIE". We're talking 12-18 inch Rainbows in a lake--man it doesn't get any better...If I just had MORE TIME...Readjusting the air/gas mixture on my carb was a 30 second job with altitude changes of 1000-3000 feet...Higher you go, less oxygen in the air--adjust the venturi for less gas than at sea level, shuttle the best mixture
to the spark plugs. Fuel injection has no soul.

The Only Fat Chicks in Colorado are Tourists:
Colorado girls: Air is so thin, ya get wasted with very little exercise, trying
twice as hard to do normal stuff like walking..HOWEVER, thin air makes for trim ladies. Many are tall, totally in shape, but really SPACED OUT...The girl who sold me a 12 pack of Cornona at the liquor store was so mellow, got a contact high..she had to be at least 21, but looked 18. Eyeing what would be $22 dollar bottles of Jose Tequila back home, bought one for 14 bucks. Should have bought more, but hell, there's always the outside chance we'll hit Mexico, if it EVER stops raining down there.

Liars Suck:
Got lazy today, and bagged it in at 2pm--looking for a place to crash for the night, called in a phone reservation to (Night's) Inn/Montrose/Colorado, An east-Indian woman gave a price of $41. At check-in she boosted it to $49. Damm. Booked a room right across the highway at a little sole proprietorship place, The Country Lodge--SMELLS BETTER THAN ANY CHAIN MOTEL I'VE SLEPT IN DURING THIS TRIP!
(even at an extra ten bucks), rather give my money to the struggling little guy. At DJ's diner here, grabbed a battered 'n' fried plate of Alaskan Halibut for six bucks--chains--you always know exactly what you're going to get, and nearly always, it sucks. Give the mom & pop joints a try, they're sort of like ABM...little guys, trying harder to please.

THIS AFTERNOON'S TREAT:
So Deep, So Sheer, So Narrow, almost NO SUNLIGHT CAN PENETRATE it: Montrose's
BLACK CANYON OF THE GUNNISON, National Park's cliffs are so steep, ONLY IT'S RIMS,
AND NOT THE GORGE SHOW ANY EVIDENCE OF ANY HUMAN PENETRATION. Even the Ute Indians never made it down to the bottom, (unless one of 'em was wearing slippery moc's!). ABM made the Killer Descent to the very bottom of this gorge on the company chopper..So you think a 5%, 6%, or even a 10% grade is really scary? TRY 16%!! So how did this canyon become so sheer? BEFORE THE RIVER WAS DAMMED, (and aren't we all??)..THE GUNNISON RIVER BLASTED THRU THE GORGE AT 12,000 CUBIC FEET PER SECOND,
WITH A 2.7 MILLION HORSEPOWER FORCE...scouring the riverbed and eroding these fantastic canyon walls. Stood on the edge, looking straight down 2,772 feet to the boulders and rivers below. Shot 2 rolls of real 35mm film on a Nikon, to post at www.americanbikerminute.com. Rio Choncos Canyon in Mexico, was our fave until today--found clean primitive camping sites, (NO LARGE RV COULD MAKE IT IN OR OUT), amid killer trout fishing...as you descend into the abyss, the temperature drops from 91 to the comfortable seventies. You'd never need an air conditioner.Dude, at sunset, the trout are literally breaking the water surface for flies, just a cast away from your sleeping bag... Much as I love motorcycles, give me a few days to fart around with some 4-lb test line,a bottle of Silver, and some fresh limes...We'll be back...someday...

8.16.06 - Dry County....

Why it's called a "Continental Breakfast" is beyond me. On what continetnt is a stale bagel and some half-crushed box of Cheerios, known as "breakfast"? What in hell is wrong with 2 scrambld eggs, & a fresh bisquit? After departing the local Comfort Inn, $55 night, clean, but they put freakin' plastic on their pillow cases..what in hell is that all about...The bike is checked for oil level, air pressure, gassed up, and pointed south toward Arizona, destination: Monument Valley, mostly owned, thank God, by the Navajo Indian Nation, otherwise, your brother-in-law would have a timeshare there. ABM is already 60 miles from the Ut/Az border---Trek down, passing the obligitary State Radar Shrine at the 50mph roadkill zone doing 65, blowing off a trucker, damm.. we still get a pass. Lucky bike, or the officer likes black. "Mexican Hat", little town, halfway between us and the Valley is so named because it has a huge rock, not unlike a 50's si-fi flying saucer, perched on the smallest of a fulcrom. Pretty cool. Have pics, will post when get back to the world at www.americanbikerminute.com. Blasting south on rt 191, we are inside the "Res"... mainly run down housing--mobile homes, and double-wides, with animal pens, rusted cars, and farm implements. Some need roofs, all need TLC. An attractive, young, pregnant Navajo princess showed us what jewlery was genuine, & provided a nice discount from the posted price--Roadside shacks made of earth, skinned poles, and some cover, nothing fancy, until you see what's for sale...at a reasonable price.


FLASHBACK--YESTERDAY:

French Fries in MOHAB: Sunburned, tired, and exhausted, on the way down, pulled into a "City Market", and bought a southern redneck box of fried chicken, & some cole slaw, but not after having to WAIT&WAIT in the checkout line as FRENCH tourists had the cashier look thru their wallets for the appropriate $$. At least I'd learn the FRANC system before I took a vacation in FRANCE, and these bastards SMOKE! Even the sexy, hot chicks who obviously work out have no problem with dragging on a Camel while they're talking that orgasmic FRENCHY sex talk to ya, and the hotties...LOVE CHOCOLATE! You name it baby... the longer they're in line, the more freaking candy bars they plop down on the counter. These suckers can't read, so they SQUEEZE the bars in an attempt to find out what's inside. Woulda been funny if I wasn't so burnt.

Bottoming out at Kayenta, Az, it's eats, a fillup, and north for Lake Powell, the westernmost portion of the Gand Canyon. Jump off 163 for 261 and begin to go up, and Up, and UP, and UP UP UP UP UP--a big sign warns of 10% uphill grade, and DIRT SURFACE. I ain't turning back. It's straight up, with switchbacks every 300-400 yards. Dramatic overhead rock ceiling right over the road surface. Guardrails? No way. If you get into the loose stuff near the edge, it's STRAIGHT DOWN to the gorge--looks like a mile, but probably only a thousand feet or so. Either will kill ya, & that's why we're here. The couple trucks headed downhill looked FREAKED that someone would try it on a chopper, but hell, they were probably from FRANCE.

SHOWER, Anyone? Headed for Lake Powell, got sidetracked, and sucked in by a promise to glimpse and photo the WORLD'S LARGEST NATURAL BRIDGE. Very cool. There are three of them, and they're close to ancient American Indian dwellings. You can hike 1-4 miles to reach them, but I found some others closer to the road on the way out. No way I can describe them. You have to see for yourself. "Natural Bridges National Monument"--it has cheap camping, & only cost $3 to bring in a bike, but it's getting dark, & you wouldn't have to be a meteorologist to sense impending doom--lightening, thunder and dark sky--this is the "Monsoon" season here, and what looks far away turns into sheets of rain--drenching ABM, not once, but twice--

THE DRILL:
1). You ride into cold air, that's the signal to stuff the cell phone and 35mm Nikon into plastic and bury deep in the tour bag.

2). Rain hits, and at 80 mph it hurts, slowing down doesn't help much.
3). The sun returns, shivering turns into pleasure, and everything dries out EXCEPT YOUR ASS. ,Repeat twice, and you have the 50 miles back to the crash pad, but who cares?? A 6-pack of Corona Extras, par favor??

BELIEVE IT OR NOT:

I've booked myself a room in a GODDAM DRY TOWN! No beer, no wine, no...well, no booze, period. Wonder why they (allegedly), have a meth problem? Now ABM knows why they put plastic on the pillowcases...Heading west over the Colorado Rockies now, destination: Cripple Creek, Colorado.

8.15.06 - Road Kill Everywhere You Look

ABM's blog lives on! Forgot what day it is...Time has no meaning out here. Survival and struggle. Yesterday morning, I threw a weary right leg over my ride, and left Grand Junction, Colorado, headed west on I-70, a couple exits over into Utah, wondering if this would be anything like Rt 59, between Gilette and Wright, Wyoming:

ROAD KILL CAPITOL OF THE WORLD: Flattened out 'kill everywhere....especially near trails and swails...(for city-slickers, that means hill crests and little valleys near critter crossings). Rabbits, prarie dogs, deer, antelope, porcupines, and some weird sh-- I can't put a name to..Never seen anything like it. You'd never need a weapon to shop for food if you lived along 59...The town I crashed in last night had 400 auto-related deer fatalities last year alone...Lost count of all the Antelope grazing right alongside the road. A geezer couple pulled in last night with a CHAIN HOLDING THEIR FRONT BUMPER TO THE FRAME! So much wildlife out here, it makes Custer State Park look like someone's back yard. From one, two or three, to herds of 50-75, they munch on GREEN fields of clover growing in the valleys. Problem is, they have to cross the freakin' road to get there...Venison, anyone?...

RIDING TODAY: ....A delicate balancing act between wild country exploration and available petrol...twice yesterday, the distance between ANYTHING, gas stations included, was 100 miles. When you're sporting a shaved down 3.5 gallon chopper tank, gas becomes a real issue-- Through the Valley of the Gods, White Canyon, and over Lake Powell's Glen Canyon, the beginning of Grand Canyon--some consider it to be even more beautiful than it's overvisted sibling.

Surrounded by Indian reservations, (which they refer to as "THE RES."), ABM is planning on doing some jewlery shopping at one of the little huts occasionally seen inside the reservation. Buying their stuff from a "white-eye" in town, is out of the question..The sun is breaking on the horizon, the road looks dry (except for the overnight dead stuff), and once again, it's time to ride....

8.13.06 - Wrapping Up Sturgis

Outlaws MC Club is blasting east on I-70 while passing through eastern South Dakota, the local TV stations were parked on overpasses, shooting footage of the long two-abreast column of motorcycles, asking if people thought they'd make "any more trouble"...hey, weren't they the guys who got ambushed? For all the bikers who make it out here each August, it's amazing how inept and nonunderstanding these talking heads are on the biker lifestyle. They need to recruit someone in leather to get it straight.

David Lee Roth: The campground was only about a third full yesterday, limiting Roth's potential audience. There were less than 2,000 people at the show, but they were still having a great time enjoying all the old Van Halen stuff. Roth has an incredible library of tunes containing his voice, and as demonstrated last night, all he needs to do is to bring a decent lead guitar player, and you have...VAN HALEN. (When Eddie needs a cash infusion, they'll be back together). The tunes are all but gone, the hundreds of acres of tents 'n trailers are once again reverting to fields of gold, and soon, we too, will be movin' on to the high sierra of western Colorado. Meanwhile, today's happy hour (dollar beer, dollar dogs), will begin at 9am and last until midnight. The keg flies will be at their regular post, and ABM will be there,
helping to empty out the inventory, and grabbing interesting interviews from colorful characters. (not to mention the nearly-free beer)

It's been a little wet: Saturday morning, we shivered while doing only 40mph on our way into Sturgis. Later on, it opened up, and rained for a couple of hours, forcing people into the vendor areas to shop for leathers, shirts, hats, and tat's. My bike looked like a piece of s--t. Today its's beautiful, sunny, upper 70's. Perfect. We've been as high as 106, with visits from cold fronts bringing penny to golf ball
sized hail, with no significant damage.

66th Sturgis Wraps Up: ABM spoke to several vendors--all came to nearly the same conclusion...Fewer bikers this year, but they swiped credit cards like a mission from God. Because of published reports, and radio coverage, like that heard on American Biker Minute, the earlybird invasion was massive. ABM arrived on July 31st, yet thousands of bikers were here, settled in, and already riding. More people are camping near places like Custer, Hill City, Deadwood, Lead, and Spearfish, in a vain
attempt to avoid the traffic, which still sucks. So what's up with rallys? The last few years have seen steady attendance, to slightly down. This has been true for Daytona, Laconia, and here in Sturgis, while ones like Leesburg, Florida have grown into mega-meets. What's the deal? As a qualified party-freak, my take...

(1). Interest rates on homes, cars, credit cards. Persons with a 100-200k mortage, with a 2 year adjustable rate have seen their monthly payment go up one thousand, to maybe, 2,000 or even 3,000 a month. That's a big hit, and doesn't leave much cash for travel.

(2). Gas pump prices. Insanely high petrol may only add 5% to your total vacation cost, but it's adding 10% to everything you buy at home...Groceries, plastics, shipping, big ticket items.

(3). Vendor Piggies: Go ahead, keep right on charging $215 for a room when you'll only ask $59 bucks for the same roach rest the night after the rally's over. Charge $5 bucks a head just to get in and admire the Rat's Hole custom bikes. Sell us a hamburger for 8 bucks, and a beer for 5. We'll figure out a way to cut those costs in half, even if it means comming every other year, get it??


66th Sturgis had an absolute lack of what we refer to as..."POSERS", like a husband and wife, each on their his 'n' hers $80,000 choppers, you know the type. Couldn't help wondering if they were "flipping" conos in Fort Lauderdale, and got pinched by the interest rate hike. Whatever the case, they simply weren't here in force, nor was the sport bike crowd. This was a Harley-Davidson rally, with a few factory customs, and homemade bikes thrown in. Regular people, without a lot of money,
who worked extra hours, saved up some, and made it out to the big party. The Outlaws-Hells Angels shootout will make this one a rally to remember. Now it's time for Cripple Creek, the Four Corners Rally, Thunder Beach in Panama City, & Daytona's Biketoberfest. In less than 30 days, this place will be under one foot of snow. To all our Sturgis friends heading for home...'Bye....SEE YA NEXT YEAR!

Jeff Ryan
www.americanbikerminute.com

8.12.06 - Deep Fried Fun

Still buzzed from the James Gang, we're in 70's mode, blasting throug the desert,
...Soon, we'll leave for the Colorado High Country. Tomorrow will be our last report from Sturgis, South Dakota--We'll look back over the two weeks we've been here on tomorrow's blog, so be sure to check in.

Talked to a Biiiigggggg girl...in the early days, she would get into fights in biker bars because everyone assumed, back in the seventies, if a woman rode, she was a lesbian. She toughed it out with the VP of a Biker Club, beat the hell out of him-she's one of many who frequent the 25 or so picnic tables at the "World's Longest Happy Hour" here, dollar hot dogs, dollar beer-buy a Chip mug for a buck, it's refillable et al, for a buck. The Miller Light, and it's good, bubby, and not flat. (the Cornonas ran out).--Dropping by at 11am for a quick one before doing a vendor interview, we popped back in on the return trip at 2:00pm, and noticed many of the 11am bikers were still there, toasting, and keeping the keg lady busy. The real bikers, the ones who change their own oil, are still here. Vagabonds, with no particular place to go, hang out to the bitter end each year, making new friends, hooking up again in August for story-swapping, and good times. Some will head for the big Cripple Creek Veteran's rally along with ABM...One middle class Seattle lady confirms; They bought a house just over the border in Wyoming , so they could spend time riding, away from the Washington scene, with it's rude drivers, and lack of sunshine. One Texas biker tried to get into Canada through Glacier National Park,
and had to turn back--snow, sleet, just too cold. (this is..August?)

There are believed to be more than 2,000 members of the Hells Angels in the USA, and perhaps an equal number of Outlaws. How can they be "allowed" to carry concealed weapons? Because, last time I checked, THIS IS A FREE COUNTRY. Absent a felony conviction, anyone is free to apply for a concealed weapon's permit, and several states honor each other's right to carry. Meanwhile, a woman who was gunned down in the shootout, says she has no ties to either motorcycle club. The Prime Rib and Crab buffet at Deadwood's First Gold...(burp)..(burp)...Needed a block 'n' tackle to get my right leg over the mc seat. The deep fried Walleye Pike was good too.. Ate too damm much..(burp)..Young crowd for Alice in Chains last night. They played an hour and 45 minute set for wildy enthusiastic fans. Total nudity was observed by ABM, it got a little weird..

Lonesome Males: Wandering Main street alone, as their ladies get tat's...One lady proclaimed she'd waited 15 years, as she proudly displayed her new tatoo..

(overheard at the campground....) "What's the difference between a drug dog, and a drug cat...?---A DRUG CAT FINDS YOUR SHIT, & COVERS IT UP.

He rode here alone: Biker married a lady who had no use for motorcyles. He begged her to try to get into riding. She thought all a motorcycle was good for, was to drive around the block in curlers, to dry her hair. WHAT A BITCH!

8.11.06 - The James Gang Rides Again

Lots of people are bitchin' that Sturgis isn't wild anymore, but we've witnessed plenty inside the campgrounds. Can't find a sitter? 3 days ago, ABM observed a wildly enthustiac couple, escorting their three children, each on a "hot wheels" type, pink & blue battery powered toy chopper. What in the hell are they thinking? Why not just take the kids to a porn convention? After living for a week on hot dogs, 100% bran, & beer, we'll be crashing the First Gold Hotel in Deadwood for the weekend $13 prime rib buffet..Bikers Arrive, Prices Rise: Grocery stores all hike prices--plums 1.39, now 1.89. Heads of lettuce 1.29, now 1.69. Beer, Gas, Paper Towels, and Meat, We arrive, prices go up. Mass Exodus: Departing RV's, Coaches, Campers, and Backpack Bikers are mixing with bikers who just got here, headed for the Hills, creating a morning traffic nightmare. Bikers who arrived at the beginning of last week, are breaking camp, and heading home, leaving the hard-core behind.

Ted Nugent's power trio was loud as hell, and as always, he played a great set, but seeing the original James Gang--every album--great tracks we thought could never be heard live again--Asshton Park, Walk Away, Midnight Man, and Funk 49, to which the crowd sang so loud, they nearly drowned out the band--Joe took a minute to reflect on the state of America today--how things would be different if he were in charge--"Joe Walsh for President". Where's our bumper sticker? Anyone who can play a guitar like that, deserves a french chef and fresh linens in the Linclon bedroom. They played one encore for a total 90 minute set, driving the crowd wild with "I'm Going Down", and finally, "Rocky Mountain Way". Like one guy yelled at the beginning..."Thank you, Joe".

Weird Sights: Campground cooking, 101. half dozen eggs, vegtables, meat, cheese, mix into zip loc plastic bag. boil exactly 13 minutes, and you have a western egg omlette for company. Shootout Update: Outlaws vs Hells Angels- Two Outlaws in hospital, critical condition, 2 Hells Angels held for bail. District attorney wanted bail revoked, in case one or both Outlaws die in the hospital. She has nothing to worry about--BAIL HAS BEEN SET AT 5 MILLION DOLLARS, EACH....

8.10.06 - The Kid Is Not Hot Tonite

Took a 200 mile border hop--South Dakota, into Wyoming, past Devil's Tower, sacred to American Indians as a site of worship, so what did we do? Deed it to a white-eye, who later sold it to the park service--now the original owners have to pay to get in & pray. 10 miles north of DT, is sleepy little Hulett, trying hard to cast off an old biker tradition, called, "No Panties Wednesday"--Hulett (pop 439) Town Council, passed a "No Nudity" ordinance. TRAGIC LOSS: Imagine a trampoline, w/pantiless bouncing, uncovered...babes...OMIGOD. Flesh olympics are cool-bikers have fun-nobody gets hurt--We DEMAND an America where trampolines are LEGAL. A 3'x6' (freshly posted) official sign at the town limit, welcomes bikers by stating that the following are ILLEGAL: 1) Public Nudity 2) Solicitation of Public Nudity 3) Reckless Driving, Burnouts 4) DUI 5) Posess Illegal Substances. In other words: NO FUN ALLOWED, YOU ASSHOLES! A church social, without the strawberry shortcake. As we blasted south to Sundance, thousands of bikers, mixed in with at least a dozen State, County, and Local patrol cars, marked, unmarked, all headed for Hulett...which was packed when we left...we need backup...call the...Nipple Patrol! Leave quickly, to avoid a possible blemish on our permanent record!

Shadows grew long, and the creators of metal, Blue Oyster Cult, played a decent set for enthusiastic fans, followed by Kid Rock. Attendance figures for Lynyrd Skynyrd and Kid Rock were probably close, but Sknyrd edged him out by few thousand. Being up against Tom Petty was rough. Kid looked like hell. Maybe he didn't feel well, or had been partying too hard, or mabyeeee..it's life with Pam. Kid was off maybe 20%. Also off, the tops of hundreds of pretty girls, lifting their tops for Kid, and for any and all. To find the action, look around for the strobe effect from dozens of flashing digital cameras. Waist up nudity, everywhere, out of control. Yeah, I took a few shots just to make sure my digital camera was in good working order for the Rat's Hole custom cycle show. ABM has never been in the presence of so many fun bags. God, I love this place.

Random Items: (1) Two South Dakota Highway Patrol cars have cornered an alleged drug-carrying couple, sitting on the ground, bbq grill, tent, vacation items spread out in back of their ride. Meanwhile, a half mile up the road, a third state patrol suv is parked in the median, waiting for the drug dog to relieve himself of a major dukey attack. (2) Fatal stabbing on a Sturgis shuttle bus: Two fifty-year olds got into it after one tipped over a beer--stabbed....in the neck, over a two buck beer...reportedly, several witnesses observed the neandrathal..

Overheard downtown: ....We're going to see..."The Heads". (Mount Rushmore).

8.9.06 - Drunk Chicks Love Me...

Full moon over Sturgis. Hells Angels and the Outlaws shot it out in Custer State Park. Six Outlaws were shot down. Daytona chapter is a block down the street from my local bike shop. They live there, bikes parked out front on the street...they ain't exactly bowling buddies, but never hassled, or shot me nasty looks... it's said Outlaws and Hells Angels are sworn enemys, and almost anything can set off a small war...ABM goes to Hulett, Wyoming tomorrow, for "No Panties Wednesday", a nice little gathering which may (or may not) be tied, directly, (or not), to the Hells Angels...they roast whole pigs, and everyone eats for free, (if you live long enough to exit the buffet line, but hey, we didn't come all the way out here to knit a damm sweater). So far, four highway deaths, just under 200 hospital visits, 200 dui's, and 1100 citations.

Gretchen Wilson started her set forty minutes late. She did "When I think About Cheatin", as couples hugged and swayed in time with the song...coulda lived without seeing that..Nearly 11 pm as Lynyrd Skynyrd came on, and the crowd was electrified. During "Curtis Lowe", fans had the palms of their hands high in the air, facing the band, and for a moment, it was like being at a giant tent revival. Most of the crowd was either not born, or too young to have known what they were listening to when "Street Survivors" was released, yet, they knew every word, to every song. Gretchen came back and sang backup with the two Lynyrd girls, but the mix wasn't anything really special, and the backing vocals were buried along w/the keyboards. Rain held off...the "tittie cam" was back on. Roving live pic's of exposed flesh, on four jumbotrons. Thank god for modern technology. Now, it's possible to see titties from anywhere in the house! On the path back up to the ABM compound, we were treated to a guy attempting a burnout with his bagger, on a narrow footbridge. Bike swung wildly, he lost control, and took out the last two poles. Just up the path, some really drunk dudes were handing out.."free shots...we got free whiskey..for free" Like trying to give away tap water. Another guy is wearing a tee shirt that says... "Drunk Chicks Love Me." A 5th grade Seattle school teacher is baring her tiny breasts, sticking her ass in anyone's face, dancing for a hundred guys, 10 are taking her picture...all in a fifty yard stroll...and that's what it's like in Sturgis under a full moon.

8.8.06 - You Gonna Eat That?

Relagated to a cup of 100% bran, and 6 ounces of skim milk, it's total hell to be sitting right across this picnic table from a 5'9", 120 lb woman with beautiful breasts. She's just finished a whole f'in plate of bacon & eggs, and is now in the process of lighting up a cowboy killer. Jesus, what I wouldn't give to be 20 again...Sturgis is packed. At 9am, everyone here was trying to get out to ride, and grab breakfast, clogging the only way out of town. Cop inside a patrol car, jammed into the mass, with his face buried in his hand said it all..Hundeds of tatoo artists are staying busy. They'll do any tat, anywhere on your bod, so long as it isn't racist, or has really foul language. They don't draw the line so far as body parts go, one guy dropped his pants to get a TAIL TATOOED ON HIS ASS. Tat artist told us it was embarrasing for the both of them...We're hearing that the helmet law in California is damm near history--according to bikers we interviewed, some sections of the state have already quit enforcement...A dozen people with phones in hand, begging their friends to see them on the Sturgis webcam, & the nuthouse that is Main street was so overflowing with people, by late morning, the sidewalks were useless, but it's not quite noisy enough yet--while we wait for the really hardcore bikers to arrive, I'm making as much racket as 110 horspower will allow. A lot of "STURGIS VIRGINS" are in town, and they need to be shown how to raise hell, and for god's sake, please don't wear the Sturgis shirt you just bought...take it home, THEN put it on! And now, the weather--AGAIN. It's hit our music hours twice in two nights, and that sucks. Lightning filled the Black Hills sky, twisting and turning not unlike a Christmas ribbon. A freak summer storm hit Deadwood this afternoon, --NOAA weather radio warned of golf-ball sized hail, trapping thousands of bikers in the southern hills until late afternoon. At the edge of darkness, George Thorogood rocked the crowd, the sky threatened before Montgomery Gentry, and thinned as big drops fell. Horizontal lightning? Yes. Like a ribbon in the sky. Fifteen minutes into Montgomery Gentry's set IT FREAKIN' POURED. A retreat to the dryness & safety of the ultra-plush, maximum-security ABM compound was in order. Man, that bacon smells good...you gonna eat that...?

8.7.06 - Nice day to ride again...

Last chance to the Black Hills ahead of the major crowd, so 9am, blasted south for Custer. Vendors are moving south to this town. They do their own bike week, and one vendor said her stand there cost 500 dollars. She moved from Sturgis, where it cost 5,000 to 7,000 bucks. Mountain lightning, sometimes cracking sideways, we dodged every shower. Wx dictated direction. Deep in the middle of the Black Hills National Forest, route 17 turns into dirt, 20 miles in at Silver City, where the mine played out, and almost everyone left. All that remains, a dozen houses, no gas, no store, no post office-nothing-nada-borscht. Imagine my suprise during a downshift onto a small steel-decked brige and a couple of kids jumped out, holding big hand made signs, offering $1 hot dogs, $1 home made brownies, and $1 lemonade. They looked so desperate, we HAD to stop, and grab a couple tube steaks, (which they had soaking in hot water-no electricity). Dodging a summer thunderstorm, wandered back into Deadwood, were sucked into Deadwood Gulch, a no-excuse balls-to-the wall slot machine emporium with dollar canned beer, and complimentary coffee and popcorn. ABM has sunk to a new low. We could have hit, just down the road, a gambling house w/scantily-clad cocktail wait's bringing FREE HIGHBALLS while you gamble. Am pissed. This is like playing innnerstate highway roulette, where you fill up at 3.29, and the next exit is selling it at 3.09.

Saying is... during your Sturgis stay, you'll experience 100 degrees, then freeze your ass off, the wind will blow 80 mph at least once, and it may hail. During the Foreigner show last night, we got the first three. The crowd was very appreciative of the band, but the weather was bad for about 30 minutes. The 3-80 light each par can stage trusses, suspended far over the stage, were being blown back 3-4 feet, rain blowing in from behind the band so hard, when the drummer pounded a cymbal, it splashed! At a quarter to eleven, the former member of punk rock band Generation X, dropped by to kick some ass. Self described, "Billy F'in Idol", with six-pack ab's, drove the women wild. They sat atop boyfriend's shoulders, flashing the star. He in turn asked for 5 of them to kiss, and they willingly obliged. It got a little crazy. For two hours and fifteen minutes, Idol ran through all his hits, popping stuff by groups like AC/DC too.
They even did a rockin' version of "In the summertime" by Mungo Jerry, and the crowd ate it up. His lead guitar player, Steve Stevens, with the band since '81, is arguably among the elite like Eddie Van Halen, and proved it when they did "Jump". Probably owing to the weather, and the Big & Rich show at the Glencoe, the crowd was a little lighter than Alice Cooper's, but this was one hell of a rockin' show.

Like Billy said, "I rode my bike up here in 2001, so I'm one of you f--kers".

8.6.06 - Is 60 The New 40?

Is 60 the new 40? Alice Cooper was far better than anyone at the campground, me included, expected. After finally getting my ass down to the ampitheatre at 11pm, left the bike just inside--thousands of people. Up near the stage, it was packed to the max, fans jammed toward the stage to get a glimpse of an icon. After the show, he's all people were talking about. Unanimous. Ten plus. To reproduce Alice's songs, you gotta have good guitarists, and he brought 'em up to the Black Hills. His daughter? Calico Cooper played out some of Alice's fantasies, including the part of a whipmistress during "You Can Go To Hell". She's really cute. All the guys out here want to do her. Through more fog than necessary to kill a buffalo, Alice kicked ass. After an hour of this aerobic workout, he was doing jumping jacks to "Under My Wheels". Sixty is the new Forty. Saw it tonight. 10 or 20 times more people inside here now than yesterday. Hoping to get an interview with a couple of these acts, but the talent agent here at the Chip is harder to track down than OSAMA BIN LADIN. It's unique--bikers get to ride right up to the stage. Some like to rev their engines in approval, that happened tonight. One bro and his old lady tipped over right in front of me. The bike fell on top of him & his chick, at about one mph. They laid there giggling for a few seconds before bros pulled the harley off them and grabbed his key, dumb shit. Picture this happening inside the typical war memorial or colesium. Even so, accidents here are rare, considering the state of packed humanity. When you're inside a place where anything goes, brothers have to police their own. This pasture is getting really dusty, the people right on the main drag that runs around the campground need complimentary Michael Jackson surgeon's masks. At night, it's so dusty, my damm headlight can't shine all the way through the dirt. Washed the biked this morning. It was clean for about an hour. Dirt don't make it run slow, so screw Martha Stewart. Meanwhile, Hot women have officially arrived in Sturgis, replacing the former Calamity Janes. Traffic comming in on the innerstate is backed up, and getting worse. If you have plans to drive through here before the middle of August, forget it.

8.5.06 - ABM's Unbelievable But True....

The local Rapid City dealership is...."RICE Honda"! And, Speaking of Calamity Jane's being constantly half in the bag, someone reminded me that the quality of drinking water around Deadwood during Wild Bill Hickock's time, was so bad, they had to drink booze to avoid dysentry! Doesn't that sound like bike week, without the bad water? (Like a drinking club, with a motorcycle problem). Ten spaces down, my neighbor-bro's have set up a BIG yellow tent, looks like the ones caterers use, laid down 4x 8 sheets of plywood, and set up a fully-stocked, ten foot long bar, with liquor bottles in full view. You can drop by for a shot or two on your way to the laundry or shower hall. Hell, you could drop by on the return trip, too, no charge. The traffic is getting worse in downtown Sturgis, and nearly-naked women are finally showing up on the street, but half of them look like Clamity Jane, no, Jane looks BETTER than the half I've seen. Downtown Sturgis hit 103 degrees yesterday, so they weren't wearing much. Have gone into the "Mexican Siesta" mode. where you fart around in the morning, sleep the afternoon, then wake up and fart around at night. If you're headed out here, and like to fish,
water levels are way down because of the drought, and they're hauling in the big ones on bare hooks. Saw a little kid pull out a huge fish right out of the city park pond, down the hill from the Full Throttle saloon. The Belle Forouche reservoir is so low, they are extending the boat ramp another 40 feet into the water, it already had 40 whole slabs end to end. Bad for the fish, great for riding. Around 10:30 last night, Edgar Winter took the main stage, and he was pretty good. Thought you couldn't take hearing "Frankenstein" one more time? They did the song justice , and encored with the great "Tobacco Road", inspiring some of the mammaricly endowed ladies to display their love bags. (I should have become a plastic surgeon). Water-spraying trucks are making the rounds to keep the dust down, and if you get behind one of them, figure on mud glopping up the rear fender, and back of your shirt......We may have to go to our agent to float a fresh monetary loan to keep ABM alive...Safeway has Coronas at over $34. a case!...On a ride on 78, out to nowhere, (which is pretty much anywherenorth of Sturgis), pulled the chopper onto a bumpy two lane, and after a couple of miles, rolled into a little town of 100 inhabitants, named "Vale". Almost dark, the only open establishment was an old run down bar with no windows, named, I think, the "Last Chance". I do remember they had $2 bottles. IT USED TO BE A CHURCH. At the edge of it's parking lot, a head start pre-schooler center Inside what looked to be a 1900's schoolhouse. Out here, you make do with what you got.

8.4.06 - The Indians Are Mad

So I'm sitting on the bike, sipping a Corona last night, and I get to thinking, what a wonderful place this is...until October 15, when the temp drops to zero, it snows one foot, and the wind cranks up to 50 mph. No wonder Clamity Jane was half in the bag all the time, and what about that crazy German bastard who hung offa a rope with a chisel in his hand... for 50 years...? Can you say boilermakers? Going tent to tent yesterday, we were offered MOONSHINE, (booze without the tax stamp). We used to make that shit when I was in high school..stole a condenser from the chemistry lab--then mix a gallon of water with a cake of yeast, and one pound of sugar. let it sit for a week, then boil it off in a pressure cooker, collect vapor, and run thru condenser. A COUNTRY BOY CAN SURVIVE. Sturgis has reached the point where there are now more bikes than cars (CAGES). It's evolving into a two week event. For a couple of days, you been able to shop for stuff up and down Lazelle and Main street. Motorcycles, tee shirts, and sausage dogs all available for some green. Earlybirds we' ve interviewed say they're here for the uncongested riding, and a couple days of the main week, then gone. Many more riders are doing the same, but parking their putts when it starts to get crazy. Inside the Buffalo Chip, location of the ABM compound, we're rested and ready as the official start of the big party gets going with the world's longest happy hour, 9am through 12 midnight. Dollar beer, dollar hotdogs. The abm "Cheap Sucker Patrol" has discovered yet another gem of not much money for a lot of food, where else...Deadwood. The First Gold Hotel, on Main, will give ya an order of eggs, hashbrowns, and toast for 79 cents, that's right sports fans, 2 eggs, for less cash than it took to buy feed for the bird. The Coyote Claw in Rapid City, off exit # 57 has what looks to be the best collectible deals. Sweats for 6.99, and tees for half that. How they sell 'em so cheap is beyond me. Upcomming Biker Olympics here will feature likable events such as the "drive by shooting" contest, and a personal favorite, the "weenie bite", a wonderful, family-oriented event where the dude slowly rolls the bike underneath a hanging hot dog suspended by a string, the lady passenger stands up on the passenger pegs, and sees how much tube steak she can bite off in a single try. Kids, please don't try this at home. (The lady who wins will be very popular with the bikers!) On a downer note, we're getting reports on the Indian Nation planning to protest a couple of new biker bars near Bear Butte. We rode up yesterday to check it out, and you can see why they're pissed, the bars are slap on the edge of the reservation, and very close to their religious rite location. They're saying something like..."We wouldn't bring beer to your church, why are you doing this to us?" More on the bar owners/developers vs American Indians later, but we got bigger fish to fry...concentrate on the Pickle Lickin' Contest..How she got her tongue wrapped around an entire giant gerkin, is, in itself, worth the price of admission...and a wonderful freak of nature! Enjoy these long blogs while you can, next week, everyone here will be three sheets to the wind, and I ain't gonna feel much like doing this after 12 Coronas and a plate full of Buffalo Fondue.

8.3.06 - Deadwood & Other True Stories

This was a lucky morning for the chopper. Her drive belt was loose to the max from riding it like a dirtbike. A motorcycle lift is not in my toolbag, but this morning, I found one...IN A TRAILER! Back on the Black Hills byways, without having to worry about cracking the throttle wide open, life is good. With overnight showers ending, it seemed like a good idea to head for Lead...a suburb of Deadwood, just a mile up the mountain, but not much was happening. Backtracking the mile down rt 85 to Deadwood, I sprang for a breakfast buffet at "Tin Lizzy's". Eggs, hashbrowns, french toast, bisquits, sausage, ham, gravy and fruit. All you can eat for $3.99. Only problem is, first you have to walk past 150 slot machines to get to the food! Many bikers never make it to the buffet, preferring to sit down with a fist full of tokens & a pack of smokes. For you REALLY CHEAP SUCKERS, the slots right near the entrance door are penny machines. Great, if you over-gamble, because you won't loose much money, but if the bandit goes off at a thousand to one, all you get for half a days squinting at the screen......is a Hamilton! If gambling is your thing, Deadwood is home to nearly 80 gaming establishments, but beware: They took out Wild Bill Hickock boots first, after he'd been in town only 2 weeks. Deadwood's a great place to eat..All you can eat buffets are everywhere for 11 or 12 bucks, but remember, you'll probably have to walk past the slots and blackjack tables to get to the slow roasted prime rib, and buttery crab. They voted in legalized gambling in 1986 because their historic buildings were falling to ruin. Now, Deadwood is one of the hottest tourist destinations anywhere, and the largest historic restoration in the country. Sheriff Bullock, Wild Bill, and Calamity Jane would be freaked to know they're on HBO. Other famous towns are here...Lead & Forouche...The two most newcomer mis-pronounced names in the Black Hills. They probably figure that it's called "Led", because of it's proximity to Deadwood, but it's actually "Lead", like inthe newspaper's "Lead" story. Belle Forouche, is pronounced, "Bell-Fooo-sssh", like in fooseball. Some people ask directions to "Bell Fore-oo-shhhhh-eh". Back at the Buffalo Chip Campground, there are enough rabbits running wild to feed every citzen in North Korea. They're wild little cottontails, and only the bikes seem to scare them off, people friendly little critters, and the 'bit population here could give Australia a run for the money, at sunup, you have to be careful not to step on one. Their little dukey looks like rasinettes..

8.2.06 - Pickle Lickin' & Four Hell Filled Days

Riding around is great without all the people, but it wont't last. In a few days, Sturgis will turn into a sea of bikers and rolling steel. You can see why they call this place the Black Hills. Fields of gold, grass turned brown, then yellow from the summer sun, transforms into a blanket of yellow over lower elevations, then an abrupt color change to black as the ace of spades, a stark contrast, even more so this year, because of extreme drought conditions. Dakotans are smiling today. We got some rain overnight, the first drops in weeks, and the ground is finally wet. It's been so dry here, the ranchers are selling off their cattle herds months ahead of time. With little or no rain, there's no grass for them to eat. Back to the 90's tomorrow. At the Buffalo Chip, the World Pickle Lickin' Federation is readying for the first of it's renowned Pickle Lickin' finals. Note to self: Make sure the digital camera is in good operating order. Some dudes from PA, camped across from us had problems trying to get out here. They borrowed a friend's mobile home. 500 miles in, the engine in his truck blew up. They got another truck but it would only go 50 mph pulling the big camper. When they got to Illinois, 2 trailer tires blew out, and they broke the jack trying to change them. Final travel tally: Four hell-filled days. Moral: Trailers are great when you get out here, but man, what a pain in the ass they are when you're not sleeping inside one of them. Admittedly, I own trailers, but they're both for BOATS.

8.1.06 - Wi-Fi, The James Gang, & Raquel Welch

Sturgis, SD, where premium gas is just 91 octane, and regular is 85. Where you can't depend on a cell phone signal to keep you alive. Where the wind blows, and so do the hotel prices-(what we paid $74 for will go for $215 during bike week-- that's why we're at the Buffalo Chip, cutting expenses, and crashing out only a hundred yards from the huge stage where Joe Walsh and the original James Gang will be appearing in public for the first time in 30 years. We last saw Joe at the New York State Fairground complex in the early 70's, and never forgot how great the show was, but back to the Chip, trying to get an email out from the wifi hot area is like expecting this place to have flat roads, and room service. Like trying to send an email with a bone chisel, ala 1-million b.c. You'd fully expect Raquel Welch to show up wearing leopard print hot pants. 24 hours in, and riding around the fields on my chopper turned dirt-bike, has stretched my drive belt play to twice the manufactuer's specs. People around Sturgis and other communities like Spearfish, Lead, and Rapid City have a love-hate relationship with Sturgis Bike Week. Hate the hassle, inconvnience, and all the work, but without it, their kids wouldnt' have shit under the old Christmas tree. Like us or not, without the biker community, this place would still be in the stone age. For example, overheard at the BP service station in Spearfish... (cashier #1)..."Well, are you ready for IT..." (cashier #2)..."Yeah....Ready as I'll ever be." (Spoken in the manner of a convicted murderer awaiting lethal injection). CHA-CHING!

7.31.06 - Cleavage & Prairie Dogs

The weather station describes it as an upper level disturbance, but we're anything but disturbed about yesterday's 106 degrees plunging to the 50's by this morning. On a 7am ride from the Spearfish Ho-Jo, being greeted by cold rain during the last three miles was enough to make a person want to add a shot of tequila to the morning warmup cup of coffee. Sturgis is still quiet, and it's strange to see all that open space. It'll all be tents and titties in a week. Good to see some cleavage replace those nasty ass-cracks as the guys bust butt to get the infrastructure set up.

Speaking of cleavage, word is that chances are good that newlywed's Pam Anderson and Kid Rock, still honeymooning, will be together when he kicks some ass on the Buffalo Chip stage, not even a hundred yards from the ultra-plush, maximum security ABM compound here at the chip. After checking in, and being assigned a spot to crash, Doctor Corona made a not-so-suprising house call, and the rest of the afternoon was spent watching prarie dogs mate just the other side of the fence...lunchtime had come and gone...sitting on top of a 20 lb bag of Kingsford Briquettes, you get to wondering if the little suckers taste like chicken...a real hungry biker will eat anything!